He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
