someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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