K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
