I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
