i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
where are my eyebrows?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
