Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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