he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
