I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize