oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
