i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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