Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I am available for nakedness
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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