Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
