In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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