apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
