If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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