'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We have started to decorate penises.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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