Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
