I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
