I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
