sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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