hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
