I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
