i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
