You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
