okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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