I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize