Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
