my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
