My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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