first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just forgot I was standing up.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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