I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
