I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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