in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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