My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
