I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
this must be what syphilis tastes like
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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