so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
