I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
