I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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