so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We need to feng shui this bitch.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
