By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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