hotel room ftw
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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