my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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