I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
