I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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