Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
