i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
