It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize