and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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