My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
