I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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