i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
