You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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