His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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