I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
