how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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