I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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