every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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